My Sanctuary

cutt.

2008-12-01T01:03:03Z

like always, my day was ruined.
my dad came home and made me eat soup with him.
280calories. plus bread 200, and soy milk 100 calories.
i'm such a worthless fat ass.
I HATE myself so much.
i don't think i can hold off tonight.
my sores still sting, but i don't deserve anything more than pain.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-11-29T18:12:00

2008-11-29T23:14:24Z

god i'm dead tired.

i ran 15 miles and my whole body is numb.

this numbness scares me. i need to fell something.

come my sweet razor, do your deed.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-11-28T15:10:00

2008-11-28T20:19:33Z

ugh. yesterday went terrible.

i ended up smoking some grass before the feast

and ate at least half the table.

thank god we lived in the same neighborhood.

i rushed home and threw everything up..

i haven't done it in forever, and now my throat burns.

it's kind of for the better though because now it hurts to eat =P

i hope someone's thanksgiving went well.

important.

2008-11-27T15:08:58Z

*The Important Stuff*
Age:	15
Height:	5'5
Heighest Weight:	125
Lowest Weight:	105
Current Weight:	1120
Goal Weight :	85
Fave food :	cheese
Fave Drink :	diet coke
Fave Exercise :	Cross Country
Thinspo :	Nicloe Richie
Where do you slip up?	home
When did it start?	sixth grade
Why did it start?	i had fat legs from soccer and wanted to be a model
Does Anyone know?	paige...sorta
Do you want help?	don't need it.
Diet pills?	all the time
fave binge food:	cereal
Fave dieting food:	sugar-free jell-o
How many cals do you consume a day?	100-500
What tips do you use to lose weight?	don't eat and run alot.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?	this pathetic thing who's fat and ugly.
Are you in a relationship?	who would want me?
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?	^
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?	the fat one.
Are you depressed?	obiously.
Do you self harm?	more than i should.
Ever tried to commit suicide?	once.
Ever been to a psychologist??	never ever.
Fave song?	River Flows in You - Yiruma

...

2008-11-27T14:53:36Z

today is the worst day of the year.

the day i hate the most.

a day of family, friends and people getting fat.

i ran four miles this morning but i'm still scared to eat today.

i wish i could curl up in a ball and hide from the world.

just for today.

the wort day of the year.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-11-26T17:50:00

2008-11-26T22:56:49Z

It was a face which darkness could kill
in an instant
a face as easily hurt
by laughter or light

‘We think differently at night’
she told me once
lying back languidly

And she would quote Cocteau

‘I feel there is an angel in me’ she’d say
‘whom I am constantly shocking’

Then she would smile and look away
light a cigarette for me
sigh and rise

and stretch
her sweet anatomy

let fall a stocking

— Lawrence Ferlinghetti

this poem toughes my heart.

i love you, please let patch that hole in you pocket.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-11-26T13:52:00

2008-11-26T18:53:18Z

i hate myself so much for letting you go

and i'm willing to do anything to get you back.

all-nighter

2008-11-20T03:30:16Z

well, i got new diet pills tuesday and i love, love love them.

they wire me with caffeine and i can stay up for days.

my weight has been teeter-tottering lately,

but these baby's will keep it down for good =p

i have a huge test tomorrow, and i just took five.

i can't stop shaking, i like it though

consuming large amounts of caffeine makes me happy

hope everyone has a good night

- i for one, will =x!

shit.

2008-11-17T01:18:07Z

got my pills. oh and while i was getting them, i saw this kid who i used to deal with. he's back in town and is as mean as ever. scared for my life once again. everything was going right, and now it offically sucks again.
wish i never had to see his face again. crap.

anyways. i ate dinner tonight, and i'm kicking myself in the foot because my fam is home so i can't throw it up. this is making my sick. fuck it. i'll throw it up anyways and not have to go to school tomorrow.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-11-16T14:55:00

2008-11-16T20:07:59Z

today i realized how much music effects my mood. seriously, like when ever i listen to music i don't feel the urge to eat.
i'm going down to sweetbay in a bit to pick up some more diet pills. i did have alittle something for breakfast though, so i have to run that off too.

till then i've got photography and history homework to keep me busy.

wish i had less on my mind.

husky.

2008-11-12T21:43:17Z

i feel gross.

i've lost two pounds since yesterday, but i still feel disgusting. i wish there was someway i could just get rid of all the fat in my legs and stomach and arms. i feel so wrong being ten pounds heavier than i was three weeks ago.
soccer season just started, too bad i'm back to smoking cigs. i'm still doing quite well at soccer though, it doesn't involve as much running as cross country, so i should be fine =p.

i have to leave soon for my game, might be on later..

bye loves.

fatster.

2008-11-11T20:30:09Z

kay. so two days later.

the laxatives didn't work. iv'e gained five extra pounds, and i weight the most i ever have

i'im a hopeless fat ass, who needs to get back on track real bad.

this is gross i have celulite on my ass again.

~~bye love.~~

laxatives.

2008-11-09T04:50:05Z

i'm am the absolute most horrible person in the world.

my cross country season end earily due to complications of sucky team mates

so on friday i litterally smoked like an ounce of grass.

since then i can't stop stuffing my fat little face.

i want to cut all the fat off my body and burn it.

i stole a box of super strangth ex-lax from cvs and took every single pill in the box

if i don't loose 10 pounds by wednesday i'm going to die of embaressment

i hate going to school, i look super fat in all my clothes.

i am 122 pounds of pure celulitie fat.

i am so disgusted i want to run till my feet bleed then

scrub my skin till all the fat is gone.

i'm a pathetic waste.

fat.

2008-11-05T23:24:27Z

last week i lost five pounds and i was down to 115

then this weekend i totally binged and ate taco bell.

i didn't have to guts to make myself puke it up.

and i gained it back.

i'm diggusting.

i'm fat.

i'm ugly.

i'm worthless.

venting.

2008-11-02T15:03:29Z

i lost five pounds last week.

it's not enough though. i need to loose 10 more before thanksgiving.

yesterday at an invitational for cross country,

i didn't beat this one girl i was hoping to, and i didn't get in the top 20. (i was 21)

i was so pissed off i started throwing up. it was weird.

plus the stress fractures in my legs hurt so bad last night that i couldn't sleep.

it feel like there are holes in my bones and they're about to crack.

agh! i'm in so much pain it's unbearable. i need some major pain killers pronto.

Ewwwww!!

2008-10-29T23:56:44Z

omg ewwwww! i'm going to throw this up ew ew ew!

my dad literally just force fed me 6 peices of sushi.

i was doing so well today too!

yuck. this is gross, dead fish, rolled with nasty rice. yuck yuck yuck!

ew iv'e got to go throw this up.

~~bye love.~~

running.

2008-10-29T22:07:03Z

i hate my cross country coach.

he is the biggest dick in the whole world.

today we were running 400's - like 15-

and told me i needed to hit my times more because i'm inconsistant.

how the hell are you supposed 15 - 400's in 72 seconds each?

this is long distance, i'm not a fucking sprinter, and he doesn't get that at all.

~~he'simpossible.~~

ANYWAYS!... all ive had to day were : two cups of black coffe, and a cheese stick.

i think it's like 75 calories total, i'm so happy with myself at the moment.

i've lost 5 pounds since monday!

~~To You:~~ i am still wearing your swearthirt. it smells like you always do, fresh and sweet.
if it weren't for you i wouldn't be where i am today.
you have inspired me.
i love you more than you will ever know.
=x.

thin_is_in26 @ 2008-10-29T13:13:00

2008-10-29T17:20:19Z

hello everyone.

i am loving this cold weather.

it makes me not hungry for some odd reason, but i'm not objecting.

i'm wearing a big orange sweatshirt that belong to my dearest.

it smells like cinnamon and that pink body spray from Victoria's Secret.

It's my favorite smell in the world and it's making me so happy i feel like skipping around my house.

=x!

cigarettes.

2008-10-28T21:57:53Z

i want a smoke so so bad.

i've been trying to keep off them till cross country season is over,

but my mom just slapped me and it gave me a huge head ache, and my tears won't stop falling.

i'm going to have anxiety attack if i don't have one or two...or five.

help =x.

no sleep.

2008-10-27T07:28:24Z

kay. so this weekend i did well.

i ate a total of 500calories it was amazing! i lost a total of 10 pounds.

i'm so happy i can't sleep. i'm down to 110.

only 30 pounds from my goal.

ugh. i don't want to go to school soon. i need to go shopping,

and i have a huge test that i'm not going to bother to study for.

shit. i'm gunna ~~fail~~ againnnn.

got to go. ~~tata love.~~

tomorrow.

2008-10-24T01:21:47Z

okay. can't wait for tomorrow. it's going to be amazing. no eating, caffine, depressive thoughts, and fighting off the urge to throw myself at this one special personthat i'm crushing pretty hard on. oh, and not to pick up a pack of cigs and smoke the whole pack in like five minutes. i haven't smoked since the begining of xc, and i don't know how much longer i can keep it up. i'm so stressed out and like can't sleep or concentrate.
i have like a month left of xc hopefully i can make it!
for the next month minimal eating, and focus on homework, and not having a mental breakdown.
i'm praying i'll make it.

time for a change.

2008-10-13T04:23:19Z

okay

i need a change, i haven't lost any weight in like a week.

i'mm going on this new diet, where you drink 3 low cal evergy drinks a day.

eeeek i hope it works.

i can't fall asleep!

crap the laptop's dieing again, i need to find my charger.

before i go, i just want to say, i am in love with my best friend, and i sertaian that they will never love me back.

sucks, i know.

~~bye love.~~

pro-anorexia

2008-10-13T03:20:54Z

i'm currently 118.

i want to be 85.

here we go.

i wish i was skinny, i used to be before my daddy started to make me eat. i loved being skinny, i'm not stopping tilll i get there.
today i had 500 calories. bleck.

i am on the cross country team, so i run at least 6 miles a day. My coach is insane.

tomorrow i plan on drinking 4 cups of black coffee, 2 diet cokes, and lots of water.
i run 7 miles tomorrow then the football game, i can make it!
my bars come in soon! i'm so excited! i'm going to loose so much weight! yayyyy!

my computer's dieing. i'll write more later.

~~bye love~~